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Dear Amy: I am a 66 year old gay male. I’ve been seeing Dave, 64, for about six months.
So far, this is just friends. Our relationship is platonic.
Dave has met my sisters and friends and they think he’s awesome. so do i!
He broke up with Michael before I met him. He has not seen anyone else in any capacity for the past two months.
Dave and I are going RV-ing in a few weeks. The anticipation is killing me. During the trip, I will meet his 90-year-old mum.
I have been single for many years. My ex-boyfriend was my best friend, who passed away four years ago.
I still see other men for casual sex. Dave knows, and he said, “Be who you might be, do not change.”
We’ve talked about monogamy (we’ve both been monogamous in our previous relationships).
My fear is that I can’t be monogamous, even though I want to at 1000%.
I feel like I’m 16 in my infatuation and love, and now err on the side of friendship.
In the past, I’ve been accused (by an ex) of inconsistency, but now I feel consumed by the need to be by his side.
His former partner was controlling the ninth degree.
How do I balance his aversion to control where I want to see him more?
I think I had at least 10 more good years, and I found the best, finally.
I want this!
Dear Tom: So far, you and Dave are taking things very slowly – and it seems to me that in terms of this relationship, you’re making good choices.
You’ve proven that you can communicate well, so you should keep going.
Does he want a complete non-platonic monogamous relationship with you? You should ask him. You should also be completely transparent about your concerns about your preferences and past experiences.
If he values monogamy and doesn’t care if you keep seeing other people, he’s probably not ready – or unwilling – to commit to you.
Accept his choices and this ambiguity as openly and balanced as possible.
You are open about your feelings and fears and you are only talking about your own experience – not trying to control it. Your inconsistency in the past may speak of a deep fear of being hurt, but making that leap into complete confidence—in and in yourself—is the journey of the brave and romantic hero you encounter.
Speaking as someone who found “one of the best” later in life, I would like to bear witness to the changing nature of a truly committed relationship between two equals.
If you want this, go get it.
Dear Amy: A few months ago, a group of my co-workers went out for happy hour. We’ve been talking about how our jobs can make relationships difficult. You mentioned that a co-worker is getting divorced. I didn’t mention her name, but another colleague said, “Oh, you’re talking about Tammy! She’s such a good friend of mine!”
Everyone knows and loves Tammy. We all agreed that we didn’t like what her husband was going through.
Tammy called me and said she heard I was talking about her. Whoever said this to her said I told the group some terrible things about her child and ex-husband.
I told her I had never said what she was accusing me of. No one said it either. It was completely wrong.
I told her that the person who shared this misinformation is clearly someone she trusts. I can tell she doesn’t believe me.
I don’t know if I should demand that she tell me who said this about me, or if I should leave him alone. I really like her and feel sad about seeing me now.
– Gossip Girl regrets
Dear Regretter: Don’t multiply by extending the drama. You can call Tammy to say, “Your good opinion means a lot to me. I want to reiterate that I will not post or repeat malicious gossip about you.”
Dear Amy: I was very disappointed in your response to “Younger Spouse!” This woman’s people were staying in her apartment (the young couple was staying elsewhere), and her mother-in-law cleaned and washed the couple’s clothes!
No one should touch anyone else’s property. This is an important border issue.
Dear Annoyance: She asserted that her mother-in-law was trying to be helpful. If the older woman erred or transgressed, her daughter-in-law must tell her.